Ed Did WHAT With the Colonel?
by ShoesXsmileS
Summary: What the hell? I thought he hated the colonel! So why was he making out with him? One-shot. RoyEd. First-person: Al.


EDIT: Went back and read this. Edited a few things just to make it a little bit better.

I have been watching WAY too much _Gravitation_, which, by the way, is really good if you like fluffy yaoi! Just don't be turned off by the first few episodes, because it gets really good around episode four, and DONOTDONOTDONOT watch the English dub because it SUUUCKS. Anyway, so sorry if this is a little cheesy. It's because of that. And _Kodocha_ and _Fruits Basket_. ^^;

Some may describe this story as "zomgz, Al is like teh OOC in tis story!" because he cusses a bit. Well, guess what? Whether you realize it or not, most people cuss in their heads, even if they don't do it out loud. For example, I have three friends that I have never heard cuss (okay, maybe one of them, I can't remember,) and they all say, "you should hear how much I cuss in my head…" Yeah. I bet Al is one of those people.

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This all had to be a dream.

If this wasn't a dream, I was going to shoot myself.

This wasn't a dream.

What the hell?! I thought he hated the colonel. So why was he making out with him?! I had always wondered why Ed stayed in the military after he got my body back – now I knew why. It was all because of the colonel. Did everyone know this was going on except me? Why didn't Ed tell me? God, I couldn't believe this.

"Hey, Al…" Ed said, still on top of the colonel.

"Alphonse, I can explain…" Mustang said. This was so cliché it wasn't even funny. But this seriously _wasn't_ supposed to happen. Ed wasn't gay, and even if he wasn't, he definitely wasn't gay for the colonel. But somehow the two beings on Mustang's couch were trying to convince me otherwise.

It all made sense now. The staying in the military, the late hours, the insistent visiting to the colonel's house, everything. Why didn't I see it before? Because I didn't want to think, even for a second, that something that preposterous could be true.

And right now it was right in front of my eyes, as obvious as ever, and I still couldn't believe it.

Ed crawled off the colonel and walked over to me, clearing his throat. "Let's go for a walk, Al." Had he always been that short? He always seemed to get shorter when he was embarrassed, though I'm almost positive that was just me.

Without another word, we left HQ, though I did see Ed mouth "I'll be back" to Mustang on the way out. Once outside, Ed kept walking straight ahead, inviting me to follow him.

It was quiet for a long time. Then he finally broke the silence by saying, "I don't know what I should tell you and what I shouldn't." He sighed. "How homophobic are you, Al?"

We had all been raised to be homophobic. It had been illegal to be in a homosexual relationship in Amestris for our entire lives.(1) It was in our blood to be that way. I didn't answer.

"Well…it all started about a year ago. It was actually all an accident…" he said with a chuckle. He continued, "I don't even know when I started having feelings for Roy." Roy? I wondered when he started calling him by his first name. "It all just sort of fell into place, one thing after another, and now here we are.

"I really didn't want you to find out this way. I was going to tell you eventually…but he and I both knew that it was more likely that you'd find out this way the longer I waited."

After some silence, he said, "Give me some feedback here, Al."

What was I supposed to say? Well, I was going to start with the questions first. "You know homosexuality is illegal in Amestris, right?"

He laughed. "Yes, Al." Of course he knew that. Everyone knew that.

"So…how long have you two been…" I couldn't even bring myself to say it.

"Together?" he finished for me. "About a year maybe, maybe, officially. But we've been…messing around much longer than that." Oh, god. What exactly was he implying?

"Have you two had sex?" I said suddenly. Funny how I couldn't even bring myself to say they were together before and now I was directly asking about their sex life.

He stopped in his tracks a second and continued to walk. "I'd rather not say." That meant yes.

"Oh, my god…" I muttered under my breath. My brother had lost his virginity to a man that was nearly twice his age.

After a little silence, he said, "You don't have to talk just yet. Just think about it for a while."

That's what I needed: time to think.

* * *

That night in our apartment, Ed got dressed up while I read yet again another alchemy book—you can never read too much on alchemy, I say. I had long grown used to him dressing up for no apparent reason, though now I knew why: he had a date with Mustang. (Ed insisted on calling him Roy, but I couldn't bring myself to do that right now.) Though I didn't know his full intentions until Ed told me what exactly was going to take place that evening.

He came jumping towards Al on his automail foot, trying to put a black dress shoe on his flesh one. "Oh, hey, Al! I forgot to tell you what's going on tonight…" he said.

"Wha?" When was the last time Ed got so dressed up, especially to do something with me? I couldn't remember. Probably never.

"Well…I hope it's okay…I kind of said that it would be okay for Roy to come over to dinner…here…at our house…and you'd be cooking…" he stuttered out.

I was surprised. Not exactly angry for not asking me how I felt about it before telling the colonel he could come, though I did feel some of that, too…but it was mostly just surprise. All I could say was, "Oh." Then I added, "Yeah, that's fine."

"Ah, you're the greatest, Al!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, finally getting his shoe on and going into the bathroom. I watched him as he looked in the mirror and tied the tie that had been hanging around his neck. Then I thought, when the hell did Ed learn how to tie a tie? I couldn't even recall. Was I really that oblivious? I mean, you _have_ to think that when your brother's been in a relationship for about a year and you had never even paid enough attention to realize it. Talk about a blow to your ego.

Once he was done, he came back out. He undid his braid — now put together loosely — and put it back up in a ponytail like mine: not too low, not too high, but right in the middle of the back of his head.

"…Why are you doing your hair like that?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Oh, um…" he began to blush lightly. "Roy likes it when I wear my hair like this." He then proceeded to look away.

I would've never guessed that Ed was even anything besides asexual. I mean, he just didn't seem romantically inclined in the slightest. He didn't even talk or act gay at all and that sounds really bad, doesn't it? Never mind.

I guess this would be the perfect time to explain what's been happening the past year or so, because Roy is running late. (I wouldn't really know, but Ed is starting to get frantic, so I only assume.)

After we got my body back, we decided to actually_ live _for the first time since our mom died. Edward was seventeen and I was sixteen. We decided to get a one-bedroom apartment in Central near HQ. I thought for sure Ed would quit the state military after he got my body back, but he didn't. I just assumed it was because he was still researching ways to get his limbs back. Even though he didn't wear his traveling attire anymore, it was still hard to remember about his automail, because he always wore long-sleeved shirts, jeans, gloves, and socks. And he never acted weak at all, but I guess that's just how he is. They say the weakest people on the inside appear the strongest on the outside. Anyway, just a few weeks afterwards, the house seemed…quieter. Ed wasn't around as much. And here we are. I just feel so stupid that I didn't see it before.

By the time Mustang finally showed up, I was dressed similarly to Ed and was cooking. If I was with military status, I probably would've saluted. Ed never saluted to anyone in the military, even the führer. You think that when someone was trying to get connections so they could join the State Military they would've saluted to the higher-ups, but not Ed. He was way too arrogant to do something like _that_. Anyway, Ed happily got the door. I usually had to get the door because Ed was too lazy to do it himself, but then again, it was Mustang. Said man wore formal-casual attire and held a bouquet of white lilies, Ed's favorite flower. He must've known they were his favorite. "Hello, Edward. Thank you for inviting me over."

"Not a problem. Just put the flowers on the table for now." I heard him set them down, and then there was silence. I wondered why they weren't saying more, so I looked and saw them…kissing. What the hell?! They both knew I could see them from where I was standing in the kitchen.

"A-_HEM_," I cleared my throat melodramatically and they pulled back quickly. I wondered who initiated the kiss, but I decided it would be odd if I asked. "Dinner's almost ready."

"Great!" Mustang exclaimed. Who did he think he was? He just kissed my brother right in front of me, deinnocentizing him,(2) and he's acting like it never happened! Not to mention I nearly saw him screw him hours ago!

"Roy, just sit down here," Ed said as I went back to cooking.

"All right," the Flame Alchemist commented with a sneer as he sat at the end of the table. But not before he kissed Ed, which could easily see in my peripheral, but he pushed him off as soon as their lips connected. Was Mustang…_taunting_ me?

Edward walked up to me and whisper-yelled – presumably so the colonel couldn't hear – into my ear, "What the hell was that?!"

"Both of you know it's reasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with you two kissing right in front of my face."

"Just because he's a guy?"

"It's not just because he's a guy. It's because he's _Mustang_. Besides, isn't he like, fifteen years older than you?"

"So? You should just be happy for me, for us."

"I don't think you reserve the right to tell me how I should and should not feel."

He pouted, but went back and sat down next to Mustang. I was proud of myself. I was really tempted to just say, "Screw it – actually, screw him." Of course, then he'd probably all but kill me or just be in shock because he'd never except anything even remotely close to that to come out of my mouth.

Once dinner was all ready, I made Ed help me take the dishes to the table.

"This looks delicious!" Mustang exclaimed once everything was brought.

"Al always makes the best meals," Ed said and smiled at me. Was he really not angry with me or was he just putting on a show for the colonel?

We ate dinner silently. I didn't feel awkward in the slightest – at least not from the silence anyway – but it was pretty obvious that both Edward and Mustang felt incredibly awkward.

"So, um, Alphonse…" The colonel tried to make casual conversation. "How're you?"

"I'm fine," I said, taking another bite.

"That's good." He glanced over at Ed, who just looked back at him. Their eyes said it all. "What the hell?" "I don't know."

"Um, Al, why don't you tell Roy what you've been doing lately?"

"You mean reading alchemy books, like always…?"

"_No_, you did…_something_…the other day..."

I raised an eyebrow. "I honestly have no idea what're you're talking about."

He sighed in defeat. "Whatever. Forget I said anything."

The awkward dinner had come and gone quickly. I was the last to finish. The deal had been that the colonel would only spend dinner with us and he'd go home after that, so he did. But not before he had a talk with me.

"Al, I need to talk to you. Outside," he said as he was getting ready to leave.

"All right." I already knew what he was going to talk to me about – I mean, it was pretty obvious.

"I'll come back inside to say goodbye to you," he said to Ed before shutting the front door behind us. Ed stood there, fiddling with his hands. He would probably try and listen through the front door.

"I'm sure you already know what I want to talk to you about."

"Yep."

"Look." His eyes narrowed. "I'm sure Ed's already talked to you about this plenty, but I just want to get my word in…I am really in love with him, truly and honestly." He studied my face for my reaction. I just crossed my arms. "I'd never do anything to hurt him. And whether you like it or not, he loves me too."

"Your point?"

"The point is, yeah, you probably won't be able to look me in the eye for a while. And yeah, our relationship itself is illegal. You know…you really don't know how much it hurt him to keep this from you for so long. I swear…it must've torn him straight in half."

"Really?" He didn't seem all that regretful when he explained the situation to me.

"And he wants you to approve. Most likely, if you don't approve, he won't be my boyfriend much longer…so please…" he pleaded.

"So you're being selfish?"

"You could say that," he said with a small smile.

I paused and thought about that. He said he loved Ed and Ed loved him. Both of them seeking my approval wasn't exactly a surprise, but to actually hear it…

"All right."

"All right what?"

"I'll think about it."

He smiled broadly. "Thank you, Alphonse."

"Give me a break. I'm not _that_ close-minded."

I opened the door and Ed hadn't moved. We both walked inside and Mustang shut the door behind us. I walked off to the left while he walked right up to Ed. He had to lean down to passionately kiss him. He wrapped one arm around his waist and put a hand through his hair which caused his ponytail holder to fall out. Ed put his hands on each of Mustang's arm. As they kissed, I looked to the side, trying to avoid staring at them. About fifteen seconds later, Roy pulled away and Ed was left looking at the ground.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Edward," he said as he walked out of the door.

Well, I definitely didn't want to get used to this, but I think I had to, for Ed's sake.

* * *

1: Obviously, made up for the sake of the story. One of my friends read this and was like "really? I didn't know that!" so I thought I should clarify just in case.

2: I love whoever will get what this is from and get why it's so ironic. XD

* * *

I love writing open-ended stories, like this one and "Not Exactly Picture Perfect." I like giving liberty to my readers to assume what happens next instead of it all be written out for them. The thing is, I hate reading/watching anything that's open-ended myself, like the Fullmetal Alchemist anime. :) Funny, huh?

Reviews = love.


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